August 2016

4. They never teach you what its like to lose someone that you love.

I had a dream of him last night, I saw us together in a moment that was beyond wonderful.

There we were walking alongside a beautiful river on a cold winter morning, With gloves on our hands and scarfs wrapped around our necks, we walked in sync giggling along the path beside the river’s edge. The sound of rushing water softly echoed in the background, thankfully keeping my nerves at bay. There was a peacefulness about the water that ran downstream. For a moment I thought I would pass out or fall over as this nervous tension rose from the tips of my toes and towards the base of my neck.

For a moment I couldn’t breathe and suddenly my body felt extremely light, luckily he had placed his hand over mine and squeezed lightly, almost as if to say,

“Are you okay”

His touch was comforting, and it kept me grounded. His voice was warm and sweet like we had never been apart.

Chatting, I walked with him slowly as we stared beyond the river and at the sun rising in the eastern skyline. As the rays of light spread through the atmosphere above us, illuminating the shadows that surrounded us, I took a deep breath and inhaled. I wanted the moment to last forever.

As we walked, he told me sweet nothings and his silly jokes were lighthearted and amusing. he was so delightful, I wanted to kiss him and just then, he suddenly stopped in the middle of our conversation and pulled me close. The tip of his nose brushed mine as he swept me into a passionate kiss, I wrapped my arms around him and his hands found their place alongside my waist as he held with a firm but gentle grip.

“I miss you” I whispered in his ear.

“I know,” he replied.

His warm breath against my body melted my core as I ran my fingers through his hair kissing him.

Moments later I awoke in a puddle of tears wishing I could go back to sleep to see him once more. I just needed to see him one more time, all of the moments we’ve shared were lost somewhere in the back of my mind.

They never teach you what its like to lose someone that you love. Instead, you bounce through the system broken and confused experiencing more loss than anyone should ever have to endure. Then as you become an adult and move in and out of relationships as you get older, the pain of that loss sticks around longer than it should.

Rather than learning how to accept it, you become infuriated that it keeps happening AGAIN and AGAIN. So you cut people out and close yourself off, because at least THEN… You won’t have to feel like that again,

At least not until you fall asleep and become lost in another vivid dream that is..