February 2, 2018

1. Foster children typically have a tough time keeping people close.

This new house is empty and cold, It has this eerie quietness to it, A complete and utter silence during the day… then when night rolls around it all seems to come to life.

The refrigerator seemingly breathing sounds from the kitchen and into the living room, a hefty buzzing with the occasional stutter. It’s creepy.

As I sit here with my computer on my lap staring off into the distance I can’t help but notice the ceiling fan above chattering as it spins, creating a stale wind above. A flat stale wind that blows in my direction making me rethink the idea of keeping those windows closed. But I can’t bring myself to open them at night, I’m too afraid of what might be lingering outside. I feel like behind every little sound or noise there is something or someone waiting to jump out at me. This house terrifies me so much that I find myself awake late into the wee hours of the night.. or shall I say morning? When 5 am rolls around and the sun begins to break the skyline, I know it’s about time to sleep.

“After all, it’s not likely someone will break into the house this early in the morning right? ”

Plus, it just feels right going to sleep when the sun is out, I feel safer for some odd reason. Sometimes just watching that sunrise through my bedroom window gives me a little sense of hope.

As the sky awakens and hits its peak, I fall into a deep sleep and forget the world around me exists, forget that I’m alone in this empty house with nothing to do, and no one to call.

Once a foster child, always a foster child.

2. In foster care, you spend A Lot of time alone.

Well Hello, there old friend, Your back. Why? I thought I rid myself of you long ago. I thought when we partied ways things were going to be different, I had hope for a future that I wasn’t sure existed but I fought hard to create.

I had this picture in my head of what life was supposed to be like and I dreamed of something so beautiful I needed to see it for myself. I wanted it to exist so badly that with enough motivation and hard work, I made it to that little place without you dragging me down.

Damn your such an asshole.

And now, As I sit here typing in the midst of this future I created for myself I realize how quickly this future is falling apart. Something always brings me back to you and I can’t seem to escape it. We knew each other well at one point, You were always by my side and though I despised you, there was some solace in knowing that at least you wouldn’t leave because there was nothing beyond the emptiness you brought with you.

Your presence sucks.

Yet here you are again filling my soul with your wickedness. Loneliness, you’re a malicious son of a bitch. Why have you returned?

I’ve been flooded with memories and things I haven’t thought about in years. Its like gates to hell have been kicked open and thus pours in the demons of my past haunting, taunting and torturing me every day now! I don’t recall ever hurting this much.These memories haunt me, these people, this past.

People call me strong, They tell me how amazing I am for being so brave through all of this.

She still goes to work
She still takes care of her daughter
Shes is still pushing forward

Some days I don’t feel like I’m moving much at all, some days I’m stagnant and falling backward slowly drowning in these memories. Sometimes my old pal “loneliness” decides to keep me company