Fun Fact #4 – WHAT IS LOVE

4. They never teach you what love is


When everything first happened I used to go to this cafe for months on end trying to figure myself out through words and typing. Every other day or so I would find myself there to work out emotions and steal the free wifi. I suppose it was never really considered stealing tho, huh?

That quaint little cafe kept a hold on me for longer than I could remember. I’m not exactly sure why I kept going back day after day, week after week.. Perhaps it was the sugary caffeine.

I used to sit in the same corner and waste away hours reading, writing and listening to the kind of soulful music that heals your heart because for a while there, when my marriage dissolved, I found myself losing my thirst for life and music was a way to melt into another world. When it first began, it was pretty unexpected. It was one of those things that just happens out of the blue.  At first, you have no idea whats going on until it sneaks up on you, then your suddenly in awe because you could have seen that coming from a mile away if you had paid attention. Perhaps I wouldn’t have been so shocked when my life fell to shit If I knew how to love properly and paid attention to the signs of this sinking ship in the first place. I suppose all of those abandonment issues really took a toll our marriage, I suppose I never really knew how to love anyone.

Even though its been over a year now and things in my life have been better than I could have imagined, I still recall those first few months like it were yesterday. Sometimes, I still dream about those lonely days back when I wandered into that cafe sobbing behind thick shaded sunglasses. Behind the tears and beyond the loneliness I found solace in knowing that I was surrounded by a sea full of faces and a continuously revolving door that never ceased to bring in a flood of chatter. I guess you could say it was sort of relaxing bathing in the existence of busy people as they go randomly about their day without noticing me, and hell! it sure beats sitting at home with nothing to do and no family to turn to.

Sometimes, that cafe still haunts me. Sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and hear lingering chatter from that noisy cafe I used to sit in. I used to find comfort there, Now its just another haunting nightmare I can’t escape.

© 2018 All Rights Reserved America DeFleur

 

Fun Fact #6 – GRIEVING

Fun Fact #6 – GRIEVING


I always felt as though writing can be a fantastic form of healing, It’s a way to express emotion, linger in memories and relive a story over and over again, which for some can be a wonderful coping mechanism. I know it’s been the only way I’ve ever been able to understand myself and evaluate situations. Writing gives me the ability to look back into the past and give life meaning, without being able to express myself through words, I’d likely go crazy lost in my own thoughts, Especially when it comes to my niece. It’s been about 2 years since I last saw kelleigh, but honestly, it still feels like yesterday. I can still hear her voice in the back of my mind, I can still see her smile and hear her call me “momma.”  I’ll always love Kelleigh, in fact, it was the love that I had for her, that pushed me to make one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. It took a long time before I was able to see that the best thing I could have done for her, was give her a better life, a fresh start with people who knew how to help her. Everyone told me that I tried my best and did everything I could, but my best wasn’t good enough. I feel like if you love someone, you won’t hold them back from the life they deserve out of your own selfishness. You’ll let them go because, in the end, that’s what’s right for them and that’s what we did for her, we let her go.

Even knowing all of this, It took a while before I could patch that hole in my heart and it took a while before the sporadic fits of tears that seized my entire body stopped. I was broken and found that writing helped ease the pain. When grieving a loss, any kind of loss… it’s difficult to understand what’s happening internally and it can be confusing because you’re not sure what to do or how to go about things anymore, I know I didn’t. Then one day I came across a post that perfectly describes the different stages of grief. Thank goodness for the internet, I swear! This post helped me understand things from a different perspective, it was marvelous and I really encourage you to read the post HERE: 

It’s one hell of a journey being able to dig into someone else’s mind, There’s a certain kind of beauty in seeing someone when they are vulnerable, which is why I believe that writing is a beautiful tool and I believe more people should exercise their minds with it. So, with that being said, if you’re ready to go on an emotional journey with me check out the rest of my blog. You’ll find my thoughts vary from day to day, One day I could write an entire post describing the sound that gum makes when it sticks to your shoe, or you’ll find me rambling about how much I hate Brussel sprouts. Hell, I might even dive into painful memories and fill a page with some cheesy ass love story. Either way, These thoughts are what makes me who I am, these memories are what’s made me stronger. My past is proof that you can survive even the deepest cuts. Even though I’m stronger now, every now and then I find myself swimming through a hundred foot wave but I guess that’s just a part of life and that’s what will keep the posts coming! That 100ft wave metaphor makes more sense when you read THIS POST, seriously. Read it.

And for anyone grieving a loss, the best advice I can give you is time. TIME heals all wounds or at least teaches us how to live with the pain, as cliche as that sounds I promise it’s true.

© 2018 All Rights Reserved America DeFleur