3. Foster kids will always wonder “Why wasn’t I good enough?”

I’m smart. I’m funny and I’m a little shy, but once you get to know me and we get past the awkward stages I’m pretty much one of the best people you’ll ever know. And I don’t say that with a cockiness. I say that with a wholehearted honesty. I’m not judgmental at all, I’ve seen too much and have experienced so much more than you can imagine that it taught me to be appreciative

But I’m also naive and at one point I was young and stupid.

At one point, I was so afraid of being alone that I held onto to the first boy who gave me his hand. I had no one when I turned 18, No parents to teach me basic life skills, no friends to guide me. I was so terrified of everything ahead of me and not sure how to cope with being alone in this big world. I was 18 and no longer a ward of the court, I had nowhere to go.

Unexpectedly, this beautiful boy took me in and kissed me sweetly so I loved him and stayed, never looking back.

I told myself marrying him was a good idea because Well! I was pregnant and it sure beat sleeping in trees at the park. We had a lot of good times back then.

  • Back when life was simple and we didn’t have to be productive adults.
  • Back when all we worried about was ourselves
  • Back when we didn’t pay rent
  • Back when jobs were just for fun
  • Back when we could ride bikes all day and have picnics in the park
  • Back when we weren’t sick of each other
  • Back when love was simple
  • Back when love was restless

Not the restless-I’m-bored-shatter-your-soul kinda LOVE.
But the innocent and sweet want-to-love-you-all-the-time-i-need-and-miss-you kinda LOVE.

I miss that feeling.

My daughter is the closest thing to real love that I’ve ever known. “I suppose that’s why all us foster kids get knocked up so young huh? I know that’s what your thinking – because its true. Most kids HAVE kids because they are

1. uneducated
2. lonely
3. want someone to love them

how terribly sad is that? Young women running around creating babies to fill that emotional void. I guess if we are all being honest here, I was one of them.

“Did you know that Young women in foster care and those who have “aged out” are more likely to experience teenage pregnancy than their peers in the general population; repeat pregnancies by age 19 are also common.” (I was also 19)

Even still, I would never trade her for the world. If there was a god, and he came down here ready to strike our souls! I would make sure to sacrifice myself so that my baby could live. I couldn’t bear the thought of anything bad happening to her. In fact, I’m stressed out and worried to bits EVERYTIME she is away from me. I don’t even like taking her school some days.

what if something happens and I’m not there to protect her? She’s too precious, she’s perfect.

She’s not judgmental, in her eyes I have no flaws. She’s young and her beautiful innocence inspires me, she’s the reason for everything I do and will continue to do until the end of life as we know it. I wish there were more people like her in this world. Sweet, Caring, Generous loving and just kind people.

Sometimes I feel this overwhelming sadness wash over me when I’m holding her hand though. If I could love her this much, IF PEOPLE! HUMAN PEOPLE are capable of loving their little creations THIS MUCH…

Then why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t my parents love me enough to stay? and How the fuck did I end up in the system alone.

Most foster kids will always wonder “Why wasn’t I good enough?”

© 2018 All Rights Reserved America DeFleur

13 thoughts on “Fun Fact #3 – NOT GOOD ENOUGH

  1. I am sorry that you were in the foster system and had this experience but at least you have your daughter, the light of your life. Can I tell you that I had two parents who passed away when I was 15 and then 20 and I was an only child so although I had a family life at the age of 20 I was completely on my own so went through a little of what you did by a different route. I, too, married a man because I had been seeing him at the time my Mom died and so everyone just expected us to get maried and we did but it was a huge mistake and I got out a year later but we did not have children. I was fortunate to then meet the man who became my happily ever after and we did have children after we were married and had been together for a while. I hope you and your daughter are very happy now. Hugs, Susie xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww Susie! That’s so sweet. Thank you! Wow! That must have been extremely difficult for you to lose both parents at such an early age, I’m glad to hear that you found your happily ever after though, thank you for sharing your story I really appreciate it. ❤️❤️


  2. Everyone’s story is different. They arrive to the place of having their kids put into the system, but the paths that get them there are all so different. I truly believe that for most of these parents, their pain is so much louder than anything else in their head. They want to give their kids the best & then they think they could never be good enough for their kids. So they try to make themselves numb to the fact that they are failing the tiny humans that they love so much.
    You are good enough. Your parents inability to live life correctly, to be what you needed, to overcome their pain & scars…that is all on them.
    I have a feeling that, You my dear, will be stronger & do better for your little lady.

    Liked by 1 person

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