Fun Fact #6 – GRIEVING

Fun Fact #6 – GRIEVING


I always felt as though writing can be a fantastic form of healing, It’s a way to express emotion, linger in memories and relive a story over and over again, which for some can be a wonderful coping mechanism. I know it’s been the only way I’ve ever been able to understand myself and evaluate situations. Writing gives me the ability to look back into the past and give life meaning, without being able to express myself through words, I’d likely go crazy lost in my own thoughts, Especially when it comes to my niece. It’s been about 2 years since I last saw kelleigh, but honestly, it still feels like yesterday. I can still hear her voice in the back of my mind, I can still see her smile and hear her call me “momma.”  I’ll always love Kelleigh, in fact, it was the love that I had for her, that pushed me to make one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. It took a long time before I was able to see that the best thing I could have done for her, was give her a better life, a fresh start with people who knew how to help her. Everyone told me that I tried my best and did everything I could, but my best wasn’t good enough. I feel like if you love someone, you won’t hold them back from the life they deserve out of your own selfishness. You’ll let them go because, in the end, that’s what’s right for them and that’s what we did for her, we let her go.

Even knowing all of this, It took a while before I could patch that hole in my heart and it took a while before the sporadic fits of tears that seized my entire body stopped. I was broken and found that writing helped ease the pain. When grieving a loss, any kind of loss… it’s difficult to understand what’s happening internally and it can be confusing because you’re not sure what to do or how to go about things anymore, I know I didn’t. Then one day I came across a post that perfectly describes the different stages of grief. Thank goodness for the internet, I swear! This post helped me understand things from a different perspective, it was marvelous and I really encourage you to read the post HERE: 

It’s one hell of a journey being able to dig into someone else’s mind, There’s a certain kind of beauty in seeing someone when they are vulnerable, which is why I believe that writing is a beautiful tool and I believe more people should exercise their minds with it. So, with that being said, if you’re ready to go on an emotional journey with me check out the rest of my blog. You’ll find my thoughts vary from day to day, One day I could write an entire post describing the sound that gum makes when it sticks to your shoe, or you’ll find me rambling about how much I hate Brussel sprouts. Hell, I might even dive into painful memories and fill a page with some cheesy ass love story. Either way, These thoughts are what makes me who I am, these memories are what’s made me stronger. My past is proof that you can survive even the deepest cuts. Even though I’m stronger now, every now and then I find myself swimming through a hundred foot wave but I guess that’s just a part of life and that’s what will keep the posts coming! That 100ft wave metaphor makes more sense when you read THIS POST, seriously. Read it.

And for anyone grieving a loss, the best advice I can give you is time. TIME heals all wounds or at least teaches us how to live with the pain, as cliche as that sounds I promise it’s true.

© 2018 All Rights Reserved America DeFleur

Fun Fact #3 – NOT GOOD ENOUGH

3. Foster kids will always wonder “Why wasn’t I good enough?”


I’m smart. I’m funny and I’m a little shy, but once you get to know me and we get past the awkward stages I’m pretty much one of the best people you’ll ever know. And I don’t say that with a cockiness. I say that with a wholehearted honesty. I’m not judgmental at all, I’ve seen too much and have experienced so much more than you can imagine that it taught me to be appreciative

But I’m also naive and at one point I was young and stupid.

At one point, I was so afraid of being alone that I held onto to the first boy who gave me his hand. I had no one when I turned 18, No parents to teach me basic life skills, no friends to guide me. I was so terrified of everything ahead of me and not sure how to cope with being alone in this big world. I was 18 and no longer a ward of the court, I had nowhere to go.

Unexpectedly, this beautiful boy took me in and kissed me sweetly so I loved him and stayed, never looking back.

I told myself marrying him was a good idea because Well! I was pregnant and it sure beat sleeping in trees at the park. We had a lot of good times back then.

  • Back when life was simple and we didn’t have to be productive adults.
  • Back when all we worried about was ourselves
  • Back when we didn’t pay rent
  • Back when jobs were just for fun
  • Back when we could ride bikes all day and have picnics in the park
  • Back when we weren’t sick of each other
  • Back when love was simple
  • Back when love was restless

Not the restless-I’m-bored-shatter-your-soul kinda LOVE.
But the innocent and sweet want-to-love-you-all-the-time-i-need-and-miss-you kinda LOVE.

I miss that feeling.

My daughter is the closest thing to real love that I’ve ever known. “I suppose that’s why all us foster kids get knocked up so young huh? I know that’s what your thinking – because its true. Most kids HAVE kids because they are

1. uneducated
2. lonely
3. want someone to love them

how terribly sad is that? Young women running around creating babies to fill that emotional void. I guess if we are all being honest here, I was one of them.

“Did you know that Young women in foster care and those who have “aged out” are more likely to experience teenage pregnancy than their peers in the general population; repeat pregnancies by age 19 are also common.” (I was also 19)

Even still, I would never trade her for the world. If there was a god, and he came down here ready to strike our souls! I would make sure to sacrifice myself so that my baby could live. I couldn’t bear the thought of anything bad happening to her. In fact, I’m stressed out and worried to bits EVERYTIME she is away from me. I don’t even like taking her school some days.

what if something happens and I’m not there to protect her? She’s too precious, she’s perfect.

She’s not judgmental, in her eyes I have no flaws. She’s young and her beautiful innocence inspires me, she’s the reason for everything I do and will continue to do until the end of life as we know it. I wish there were more people like her in this world. Sweet, Caring, Generous loving and just kind people.

Sometimes I feel this overwhelming sadness wash over me when I’m holding her hand though. If I could love her this much, IF PEOPLE! HUMAN PEOPLE are capable of loving their little creations THIS MUCH…

Then why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t my parents love me enough to stay? and How the fuck did I end up in the system alone.

Most foster kids will always wonder “Why wasn’t I good enough?”

© 2018 All Rights Reserved America DeFleur

Fun Fact #4 – LOSS

4. They never teach you what its like to lose someone that you love.


I had a dream of him last night, I saw us together in a moment that was beyond wonderful.

There we were walking alongside a beautiful river on a cold winter morning, With gloves on our hands and scarfs wrapped around our necks, we walked in sync giggling along the path beside the river’s edge. The sound of rushing water softly echoed in the background, thankfully keeping my nerves at bay. There was a peacefulness about the water that ran downstream. For a moment I thought I would pass out or fall over as this nervous tension rose from the tips of my toes and towards the base of my neck.

For a moment I couldn’t breathe and suddenly my body felt extremely light, luckily he had placed his hand over mine and squeezed lightly, almost as if to say,

“Are you okay”

His touch was comforting, and it kept me grounded. His voice was warm and sweet like we had never been apart.

Chatting, I walked with him slowly as we stared beyond the river and at the sun rising in the eastern skyline. As the rays of light spread through the atmosphere above us, illuminating the shadows that surrounded us, I took a deep breath and inhaled. I wanted the moment to last forever.

As we walked, he told me sweet nothings and his silly jokes were lighthearted and amusing. he was so delightful, I wanted to kiss him and just then, he suddenly stopped in the middle of our conversation and pulled me close. The tip of his nose brushed mine as he swept me into a passionate kiss,  I wrapped my arms around him and his hands found their place alongside my waist as he held with a firm but gentle grip.

“I miss you” I whispered in his ear.

“I know,” he replied.

His warm breath against my body melted my core as I ran my fingers through his hair kissing him.


Moments later I awoke in a puddle of tears wishing I could go back to sleep to see him once more. I just needed to see him one more time, all of the moments we’ve shared were lost somewhere in the back of my mind.

They never teach you what its like to lose someone that you love. Instead, you bounce through the system broken and confused experiencing more loss than anyone should ever have to endure. Then as you become an adult and move in and out of relationships as you get older, the pain of that loss sticks around longer than it should.

Rather than learning how to accept it, you become infuriated that it keeps happening AGAIN and AGAIN. So you cut people out and close yourself off, because at least THEN… You won’t have to feel like that again,

At least not until you fall asleep and become lost in another vivid dream that is..

© 2018 All rights Reserved America DeFleur